So this is what it's come to

Thursday morning. Early Thursday morning. I apparently fell asleep while sitting on the couch. Which sounds totally normal.. especially for the parent of an infant. However..

I had been sitting on the couch around 2am, feeding Noah- but he only took a few sips from his bottle before he fell asleep again. I was so tired and put him down in his car seat on the floor in front of me. A few minutes later he wanted more.. so I fed him while he was still in his seat.

Next thing I know.. I woke up sitting on the couch hunched over Noah's car seat. And I don't remember anything. I was in so much pain from being like that for who knows how long.. it was all I could do to just try to lay down on the couch.

And fall asleep again. When he woke me up to eat again.. the previous bottle was still sitting next to him in his seat. Unbelievable. I've gotta get some more rest..

..maybe when Noah starts kindergarten.

What we talked about on Valentine's Day this year..

Laura: can you get my suitcase out of the garage please?
Jason: what are you going to put in it?
L: ... (staring)
J: what are you going to put in it?
L: ... (staring) I'm going into the hospital on Friday..
J: oh ya, I forgot about that.

[We all forget things, but.. forget about having a baby? That's a new one.]

Maybe he completes us

It's not that I haven't had anything to say in a week and a half.. I've just been in full on mommy mode. Getting used to two, instead of one, has been.. hmm.. Tiring. Exhausting. Challenging. And totally, totally..

Amazing. I admit I was scared. Off and on from the time I knew Noah was coming into our lives.. I was scared. Scared how our family would change. Scared for how Lily would feel. Scared for how I would feel. Scared how I would manage. But Noah is amazing. Even though I'm not resting even close to the amount I should be.. I mostly don't care. I've never been so tired. Even when Lily was born.. I think I eventually started to get more sleep than I do now. And I remember being able to take naps during the day.. when she would. Not so anymore.

Now my whole night is a series of naps. Two to two and half hour naps.. about three in a row if I'm lucky. I sleep when Noah sleeps. And I thank God that during the night Noah falls right back asleep after he eats.. just like his sister did. So it's just a matter of getting up, picking him up, stumbling to the kitchen together, stumbling back together, and then trying not to fall asleep while he eats. I don't even think about how tired I am anymore.. I just do it. Like a robot. Like a mommybot.

Jason took a lot of time off to be around when he's needed. But I still try to do as much as I can.. and manage both kids as much as I can.. I don't want it to be an enormous shock when he's not around as much in a few weeks.

We've left the house as a foursome twice already. And it hasn't actually been too bad. What I fear will be bad are the one adult against two kids outings. Especially when I'm the "one adult." But so far, Lily does seem to be a little calmer when we're out. Either that or we're getting a little better at keeping her calm. I feel like we know what we're doing a little better this time around (for Noah). And that only enhances life with Lily too.

Welcome, Noah

I can't believe I'm not pregnant anymore. I can't believe I'm home from the hospital. I can't believe that instead of three, we are now four. Because Noah is here now!

Last week I went to the hospital for blood work and to answer page after page after page of medical questions. The next morning.. we went back to meet Noah.

I couldn't eat, drink, or even have a stick of gum after midnight. The not eating wasn't too bad as we were scheduled to be at the hospital at 10:30am.. but not even being able to have water was almost too much for me to take. I asked when we got to the hospital if I could at least have ice chips. Nope. Sip of water? Nope. I even begged to at least rinse my mouth out with water. And I couldn't even do that. Because apparently it would make me more thirsty. Which I was pretty sure wasn't possible.

It took three tries and two nurses to get my IV started. After the second failed attempt, on the second hand- I cried. Partly because what they'd already done had hurt so much and partly because I knew it was going to happen at least once more. Thankfully, the third time (and second nurse) was the charm.

So much happened in 90 minutes. And before I knew it.. I was being walked into my delivery/operating room. But I wasn't even scared. Or nervous. Or any of the things Jason looked fully overwhelmed with. I got up on the table, got my epidural, and within a second I could feel less and less of the lower half of my body.

As I lay on the table, with the numbing rapidly taking over.. it was the first time I thought "Oh my God.. I am about to be cut open.. there's about to be a baby here.. I am about to not be pregnant anymore." I can't really say I panicked.. but it was the first fear I felt. It wasn't driving to the hospital, or changing into a gown, or getting an IV, or answering medical history questions, or getting an epidural. It was real.

Before one of the nurses went to get Jason, there was a warning for them to "keep an eye on him".. they thought was was going to be a fainter I think. But he wasn't. He was more scared than me.. but he was fine through it all.

I really felt nothing as they were working. Until one point there was so much pressure I wasn't sure how I was going to keep breathing. But then I felt Noah get lifted out of me.. and he was ours.

I watched him, about 10 feet away, getting cleaned up.. the bottom's of his little feet kicking around. I watched him the whole time.. totally unaware of anything else that was going on in the room. Jason went to him eventually, took some pictures, and brought him up to my face so we could chat and I could touch his little nose. Amazing.