pipe. dreams.

I wanted some privacy this morning. Not like super secret, cone of silence privacy- more like small people not needing anything urgent and without an audience privacy. Which is like.. as much privacy as I can imagine these days. And you would think that with my husband at work, Noah sleeping, and Lily playing in the room next door.. that I would have some while sitting in my own living room. But.. I ended up not. Because my brother-in-law lives with us.

He went out last night and when I went to bed around 2am, he hadn't come back yet. I got up for the day around 10am (after feeding Noah 3 or 4 times during the night), but had no idea whether or not he had tiptoed in while I was sleeping. Which is frustrating. Frustrating like.. when I just need to run into the bathroom, pee (and wash my hands), and run out again, because you know.. kids. (Privacy, pff.) But most of the time I can't do it- unless I've actually seen my brother-in-law leave, I've been awake the whole time afterwards, and know he didn't come back. But even then..

I have no idea if his girlfriend is still around. Yup. Of course, there has to be a girlfriend too. Who basically lives here. Because, ya know, of course. Which is.. whatever.. it is what it is. If you have one extra person living with you, you might as well have two.. or twelve, right? What difference does it make, extra is extra.

So just because my brother-in-law leaves, doesn't mean his girlfriend does. Oh yes. There's been plenty of times he's left for work, I've been at home all day with Lily and Noah, haven't heard a peep from his room, and then he comes home by himself.. only to leave 10 minutes later.. WITH his girlfriend. The first few times I couldn't believe it. "How does she not have pee.. all day?!," I said to Jason. "I would have to pee. Does she just sleep? I never hear a sound all day.. and then it's like poof, there she is."

I don't understand. Why? Why would you just sit in a room all day? Not peeing (I mean, hopefully), not eating, or drinking, going outside, or watching tv. Like a pet. Like a goldfish, because they are the quiet. I have no idea. None of us understand what is going on. Don't even get me started on how I feel about leaving the house when she's there by herself.

But.. I have a dream. A dream I've had since all of this started oh so long ago. And that dream is to someday not have any in-laws living with me. It is a pipe dream, I realize, and yet I cannot stop hoping for it. The origins of that phrase.. the dreams you might have after smoking an opium pipe.. really may be the only thing that gets me through this..

me and catwoman

It's not what you think. Or, I don't know.. maybe it is.

In the middle of changing a diaper tonight I looked up at the tv to see a split second of the beginning of Batman Returns. And I screamed for Jason to quick, turn it back..

"Is that the beginning of Batman?! Look at her! [Selina Kyle pre-catwoman] I was looking in the mirror the other day and I said wow I look like Catwoman. Before she was Catwoman and was just crazy. And had cats."

Jason looked at the tv. And then at me. And back at the tv. And at me. He didn't say anything, just started to smile a little.

"See?! I told you!"

Poor Selina Kyle. She looks like someone's overworked, overtired mother. I wonder what that's like..

A day in the life: noon to midnight

Tuesday's part two. Slightly less exhausted than part one.

1:31pm: Finally getting to eat my breakfast. Or I was. Until a baby fell asleep on me- now I'm typing with one hand. And watching old episodes of A Different World- because activities become slightly
limited in this situation. However, by now Lily, Noah, and I have all eaten at least one meal and have gotten dressed for the day. I have also gone to the bathroom (by myself!), made the bed, and determined I don't need to do laundry today. So.. way to go mommy!


2:32pm: I was finally able to get up, sort of, and decided to take the opportunity to wash dishes and baby bottles. I got to about three bottles and a handful of silverware, then my brother-in-law got in the
shower. So that was the end of that. I love that he lives here, Oh wait.. no, no I don't.

I made Lily her lunch. Noah started crying. I made his bottle and sat down to feed him too. I guess my lunch can wait- I didn't get to have breakfast til after 1:30 anyway. And both kids ARE actually eating.. so that's a plus.


5:00pm: How is it 5pm? Noah is eating again. Lily is watching Max & Ruby. We never made it outside today. I haven't brushed my hair. I can't remember if I brushed my teeth or not. I didn't make it back to
the dishes yet. I am thinking about drinking more coffee, but I probably shouldn't. I wanted (well, "want" isn't really the best choice to describe how I feel about it) to go out to do errands when Jason gets home.. but maybe I won't. There's too much to do here.

I wanted to take down the baby gate for the kitchen since it's been broken for several months now, but that didn't happen. I thought I could vacuum the living room, but that didn't happen. I thought about all sorts of things that didn't happen today.


6:54pm: My hair is now brushed. So are my teeth. And all the bottles are washed. Which just leaves the dishes. Awesome. Noah is sleeping. Lily is eating pizza (and ketchup. seriously.) for the second time today. And watching YouTube. Correction- Noah WAS sleeping. Now he's fussing- for a bottle presumably. Jason just got home, but I don't feel like going out to do errands- so I guess I won't. I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow. Because I'm sure I won't be tired tomorrow. Funny.

Jason is making macaroni and cheese and offered me some too. That will be my dinner. For now.


7:09pm: I went into the kitchen to make Noah a bottle. Jason asked if I had gotten a chance to buy pasta sauce. No. I suggested he try tomato paste instead, because for some reason we have that in our house. Or ketchup. He made a face at me. And told me he was making me something to eat. Oh, that's nice. I hate cooking. I avoid it. He hates that.


8:34pm: Noah is sleeping on my lap. Lily is playing in her room. Jason is taking a shower. I remember when I could just get up and take a shower. Sort of. I sort of remember that. I am thinking about the
dishes I still need to wash. But I'm afraid if I move Noah, he'll wake up, and not want to go back to sleep. At least until I try to feed him again. In like half an hour probably. I'm so tired.


9:01pm: I got a chance to wash some dishes. Some dishes. But then Noah wanted to eat again. (Where does he put all this food?) So that's what I'm doing now- and typing with one hand.


I don't know what happened to the rest of the day- I got too overwhelmed to keep track I guess. The next day was more productive for some reason though. More dishes got done. And laundry. AND I finally took down that broken baby gate. I also finally got out to the grocery store. Where I dealt with obnoxious teenage boys and a deathly ill cashier (super awesome- not like I've got a newborn with a brand new immune system at home or anything). Made me want to never leave the house again, which is just as well, because I rarely do anymore.

A day in the life: midnight to noon

I don't know what made me decide to keep track of my day, but I did. Most of it anyway. It was a pretty typical Tuesday for us. There's no way I could keep up with recording my day like this everyday.. there was a lot that didn't get done because I was typing. With one hand mostly. And it was frustrating to really see how much time flies by, and how quickly a day is gone..


1:35am: Noah is sleeping. Lily will be sleeping soon. I hope. She has her pjs on. She had her snack. She's laying down, in a dimly lit room, with her pillow and blanket. Her iPad has been retired for the night. It's only a matter of time now.

I am laying down, ready for sleep as well. But. Noah started a bottle around midnight. And took his usual (lately) almost hour to drink what he wanted of it. So as its nearly 2am.. he could certainly be awake any minute, screaming for food. Better catch my 20 minutes of sleep while I can.


3:21am: Just as predicted.. Noah woke up just after 3am, screaming for a bottle. I stumbled to the kitchen to put together a bottle as fast as I could. The bottle at this time is always the worst. I think. Waking up the first time is the most jarring for me. My body wants to sleep so badly- and when I only gets 2 hour of rest..

The more 1-2 hours naps that accumulate overnight, the easier getting up gets. But actually, using the word "easy" is misleading. It's never easy, I'm just slightly less zombie-like as the night wears on.


3:33am: Noah has had two tries with this bottle so far. (And then falls asleep.) Barely drinking 2oz total. I will give it one more try before I put him back to bed. I am having such a hard time making my eyes stay open. I keep falling asleep. Sitting up. Mommy zombie. One more try with the bottle.. Then I'm sleeping too.


3:46am: two ounces? I quit. Goodnight.


7:03am: Noah woke up around 6:30am. And I stumbled to the kitchen. And made him a bottle. Which he ate about 3oz of before spitting up some of it on both of us- thank goodness for burp cloths.

He then spent the next 20 minutes being fussy, not sleeping, not wanting the rest of his bottle, and not being interested in a binky.. Before deciding that he did want the rest of his bottle- and then started to fall back asleep. Finally. Until I decided I didn't want him to choke on more spit up.. and burped him.. and woke him up all over again. Of course. But seeing how its almost 7:30 now and he's been up, eating and not eating, for almost an hour- he should be about ready to give in to sleep. And so we can start this all over again in two hours.


9:44am: Do I know my son or what? By 9am he was awake. I thought I could convince him to go back to sleep, but he wasn't having any of it. Until I started feeding him.. then he couldn't stay awake. Of course.


11:15am: I thought after our 9 o'clock hour events that we would all be up for the day. Not really. Noah ate. A little. And then fell back asleep. Again. And again. And again. Then Lily didn't want to wake up either. Screw this, I said, and I went back to sleep too. Now it's after 11 and Noah is fussing.. and falling asleep. Fussing for a few seconds.. and then falling asleep again. So I'm up. I gathered up
breakfast for the three of us (I can't really say I "made" breakfast.. just gathered it all together in one spot). Well, actually..

I got Lily her juice, muffins, and fruit mush pouch. Then I made Noah's bottle and started to walk out of the kitchen. Oops. I forgot mommy generally requires nourishment as well.. so I got some yogurt out of the fridge. And they're STILL sleeping. But not for long..


11:21am: I just remembered a dream I had. That my brother-in-law spoke to me. Like, more than spoke to me.. we had an actual small conversation. He came into the living room, sat down on the floor, and asked me a question about his cellphone. I knew the answer.. and he seemed genuinely happy that I solved his problem. And yes.. I'm pretty damn sure I was dreaming on this one.


Are you starting to see some patterns here?