This is why

"She's like that because you don't take her outside." I hear that all the time about my daughter. And I'm really just so sick of it- it's certainly not like I lock her up in a dungeon 24 hours a day. She is a 3 year old that enjoys her electronics and toys.. a product of two parents that also like their electronics, so what did you expect?

I hate summer weather. Hate it. I'd rather take my children outside in a blizzard than on a "nice" summer day.

Going outside in the summer wasn't so bad when it was just one child.. and she wasn't 3 yet. She listened to me most of the time, stayed near me, and was fairly content playing in the yard. Now there are two children- one of whom is nearly 4 (and would rather get bitten by a shark than listen to mommy) and the other is either strapped to my body or strapped into a stroller/carseat. What do you think going outside in the heat and humidity of the summer is like for me now?

Yesterday we almost got outside. Almost. SO close. It was at least four o'clock by the time we got to a point in the day where both children were awake and no one was going to need to eat in the upcoming 20 to 30 minutes. Or need to pee. Or have their diaper changed. Or whatever else. AND Lily finally let me brush her teeth. AND then she even got dressed. But I was having some trouble with the strapping-baby-to-your-body device.. and Lily refused to use the potty. I had to change my clothes because I was sweating having to wear semi-real-otherwise-a-news-crew-will-definitely-drive-into-your-neighborhood-wanting-to-interview-you clothes. Another half an hour went by.. and we never made it outside.

Today was take 2.

I was already sort of dressed from having physical therapy this morning, so we were off to a good start. Plus it was only like 79/80 degrees out. Win. For like a second.

Lily was super sluggish about using the potty. About putting her clothes back on. About socks. About shoes. OhmaGod!- through gritted teeth. I got out the strapping-baby-to-your body device (that I had pre-adjusted the day before thankyouverymuch) and put Noah half into it..

..when he poked me in the eye with one of his baby dagger fingers. And saying "poked" isn't even what it was. It was more like he pulled down my eye lid with one hand and stabbed one of the fingers on the other hand deep, deep into my eyeball. I screamed and clutched my eyeball with one hand while trying to hold up the half strapped in child with the other. The pain was so awful in that one eye, that not only could I not open that one.. I couldn't open the other one either. Completely blind, I felt for the straps to secure Noah to me so I could use both hands to hold my eyeball in my head. Then I sank into the couch behind me and squirmed in agony. And swore. And screamed that it felt like my eyeball was bleeding. Which Lily kindly repeated over and over for me.. "your eye is bleeding! your eye is bleeding!"

I made her get me an ice pack from the freezer (the only time I was ever glad our freezer is on the bottom of the fridge unit), wrapped it in the closest cloth thing I could feel around for, and held it up to my eye. Which actually made that eye hurt even more, but it did finally allow me to open the non-stabbed eye. And I could see that during the chaos, Lily had put my sunglasses on. Wow. If only I had thought to do that (for me) before I had tried to strap a baby to my body.. none of this would have happened. Shoulda known.

I iced and moaned about my eye for a few more minutes. Until I could open it about halfway. And I was not to be deterred. Outside here we come! Wait. What's that? I look outside. It's raining?!

..

Whatever. We're going outside anyway.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Put a too small hat on Lily. Think she has a raincoat? No, I'm a terrible mother that locks her children in a dungeon 24 hours a day so I can watch tv and eat bon-bons in peace. I told her to put a sweatshirt on instead. She tries to take her shirt off to do it. Because 24 hour a day dungeon dwellers don't really know the rules of outerwear I guess. Fix that. Get umbrella. Explain the rules of going outside in the rain. It's going to be minutes. Minutes. She seems to understand. Then she runs to take her sneakers off and put her rain boots on instead. Starting to doubt that she understood the rules.

Somehow we made it downstairs and outside. I got my umbrella open. Noah and I are safe. Lily and her sweatshirt and too-small hat are safe. While I'm outside I decided to bring the garbage barrels back up from the street (that had been sitting there empty for 24 hours). And that I watched one of my in-laws walk within a couple of feet of this morning and still not bring back to the house. Six able-bodied adults .. and the one that goes to physical therapy, is trying to keep a 3 year old from getting run over by a car, and has a baby strapped to her is the one that stacks up the barrels and drags them back to the house. In the rain. While holding an umbrella.

What was I talking about? Oh..

Lily brought the recycling bin back up to the house. I stacked up the barrels and dragged them up the driveway. Of course, they fell over when I got them in place. Pff- whatever. Good for them. They got to stay fallen over.

And then the chaos continued. I went back to the street to get the mail. (One hand full of umbrella, one hand full of dragging garbage barrels remember.) Lily followed me and started jumping in puddles. In the street. I yelled at her to stop. To get out of the street. Or else. (Nevermind what I threatened her with.) The neighbor drives like she's in the Indy500- I don't want any flattened children. She didn't listen until I employed the last resort loud, quick inhaling gasp and yelling that a car was coming. (A car wasn't really coming.) And Lily ran back up the driveway.

And right under the gutters that were POURING rain down and soaking her. More yelling. More threatening. Couldn't use the car coming trick again, so she didn't listen. Tried to trick her into thinking I was going inside and leaving her outside. She didn't care. (Don't blame her.)

Then a (thank God) random loud noise from a nearby street startled her and she looked toward me. I gave her a horrified look right back and added a "quick! inside, hurry!"

She got about halfway up the inside stairs when I told her to take her boots off, as I was closing the front door. She did. And threw them at me. I yelled and she ran the rest of the way up. And up and down the hall. She grabbed the wet umbrella and swung it around as she ran. Screaming with glee. There was more yelling. And me ranting, to no one, about "THAT'S why I don't take her outside."