Taking care of just one

Earlier this week, I had one of my most heartbreaking parenting moments to date. Lily suddenly stopped what she was doing, looked up at me, and said "remember when you used to take care of just me?"

Sharp inhale. Mouth open. Mouth shut. "Yes, I remember that," I told her. "But.. isn't it more fun now with Noah?" I don't remember what she said, I think she might not have said anything, but just wandered back away to do her own thing.

The next day, before Noah woke up I talked to Lily about what she'd asked me. In the middle of it, I got so choked up there were a few tears I couldn't stop. Twenty-three and a half hours a day, I spend so much time taking care of the both of them and the house and the bills and myself.. trying to balance.. trying to be even.. and fair.. making sure that they aren't jealous of each other, etc.. that I just forgot..

For three and a half years, it was me and Lily. Just me and Lily, so so so much of the time. And then suddenly there was Noah too. She loves him.. and he loves her.. there's no denying that. But.. I just forgot that Lily and I don't get time with just the two of us anymore. Aside from taking her to school a few times without Noah, the last time she and I were just the two of us was about 6 months ago.. when I took her to get her hearing tested.

Oh mommy, how did you just fail so hard here?

All I could do was something new, starting now. So the mommy and Lily date was born. She was so excited. SO excited to have the date with me, just me. And I was excited too. The first one was today- we got ice cream and went for a walk. Then we went shopping for Lily- mainly for new sandals, but somehow we found other things she needed, including orange fuzzy headphone earmuffs (because, why not?).

In all the days, weeks, and months that I spent trying to figure out how to take care of two, I forgot that sometimes I just need to take care of one for a little while.