Looking up

The sky was amazing today. The day started out with rain and puddles and then there was this..

And this..

And this..

And a lot of this..

It was nice. And warm (for a winter month). I left my winter jacket at home, opting for just a vest and scarf. For me, in a New England January.. that's saying a lot. I loved the day, but I'm still not quite ready for spring. I still need that one good day of snow. Lily does too- especially since we missed out on it last year.

Come on big (ish) winter storm, where are you?

Plenty of winter left to knit a scarf

DAY ONE
I've wanted to knit a basket weave scarf for awhile, I just don't know why I haven't yet. From what I can see it's just a matter of knitting and purling, knowing when to do which, and in a short repeating pattern. So let's do this..

I chose size 13 bamboo needles and some Bernat Mosaic yarn from my stash. I cast on 36 stitches and started working on my basket weave pattern- for which I am not following any specific instructions (I never do).

I decided on knit 6, purl 6, knit 6, purl 6, knit 6, purl 6 for 8 rows (because after knitting 6 rows, it seemed like that wasn't enough to make each little "piece" of the weave look like a square, so I continued on another 2 rows and it was perfect*). Then switched to purl 6, knit 6, purl 6, knit 6, purl 6, knit 6 for 8 rows. And that was my "pattern" to repeat.

* No, I don't knit sample swatches before I start knitting something. I suppose it goes hand-in-hand with not following a pattern- just making up my own. I'm a knitting rebel.

DAY TWO
For whatever reason my children actually, somewhat, let me knit this scarf (knock on wood). I'm happy with how it's turning out so far. At first I wasn't sure about the yarn because it didn't feel as soft as I'd hoped for a scarf, but as it's knitted into the scarf it seems a little softer.

Even after knitting two more rows than I should have in the wrong pattern, finally realizing it, and slowly undoing them- the scarf is a little over a foot long. If I can keep this up, I could actually be done next week. But I'm not going to hold my breath.

To be continued: scarf just in time

Crossed another thing off the list of difficult things to explain to my daughter

I don't watch anything scandalous on tv.. just Grey's Anatomy, Law & Order: SVU.. stuff like that, no horror, gore, murder, etc. I try to be very careful to make sure Lily isn't watching if there are "scary" parts.. because she gets scared and hides her eyes. Which I mean, I'd rather have it that way than if she accidentally sees something bad and she just stare at it happily.. so at least I'm doing something right [mommy +1]. But.. she's 4.. and learning about the world.

I convinced her it was mommy's turn to watch something this morning.. and she actually let me. Apparently I was tricky enough in my attempts to get her to allow me to be a person for an hour. So.. I watched Catfish (the tv show). Which is just people. She asks me sometimes when I put on a "mommy show" is it going to be scary.. bad?.. I forget the word she uses. And I'll tell her, no it's just people.

She didn't even ask me this time though- she was already engaged in something. So.. the episode I was watching was about two gay men chatting online. They agreed to meet (they always do, otherwise how would it be a show?). And when they did.. they kissed hello.

Of course I didn't think anything of it- as a grown up I know people are people, love and like whoever you want. And actually I didn't even realize Lily was watching the tv with me, but apparently she was..

And the way she said "boys aren't supposed to kiss" was so plainly.. no agenda behind it. Just like if you saw the moon for the first time and said "the sun isn't supposed to be white."

She had a bowl of mini muffins next to her, so when I explained "preferences" I incorporated them as a concrete example in "our world" (as she likes to call things that are real, not on tv, video games, etc). So I just said well, not everyone likes muffins, right? Some people like muffins and some people don't.. and that's okay. She said I like muffins- and I responded ya, I do too. And that was the end of it.

In the back of my mind, when she said that, I was hoping no one in her life had told her something like that. I'm fairly certain that's not the case.. but you just never know what really goes on when your children are away from you. However, I cannot get started on that- or I will have to get out the protective bubbles and hide everyone under the bed again.

I wasn't really thinking that by 4-years old I'd already have talked to Lily about death (2 dead gold fish last Mother's Day), race/skin color (there is a boy in her class that she says is "brown"- as she says she's "pink"), and now homosexuality. But it's all happened organically and she seems to accept it all as just another thing in life and not a big deal.

What's important is that I didn't freak out about any of it. Externally anyway. The goldfish death was really the worst. For me. I just didn't know what to say to her because I'm not always sure what I believe, but I didn't want to lie to her, and I also didn't want her to be upset. She wasn't. She didn't really seem to care. And when I pushed to make sure she understood there was no fish, it wasn't coming back.. she still didn't really care. It was accepted by her as just another thing.

Just another thing mommy presents her with, calmly. And I think she trusts me.. that I'm not going to lie or harm her with words, ideas, or otherwise. So.. we win. [big smile]

inspired.. #1

to MAKE..

diy instax wallpaper @a beautiful mess

When I first saw this wall here, I loved it. And wanted one for myself. But when I tried to figure out how much it would cost for even a 6' x 6' area.. wow- that film isn't cheap, huh? It must be nice to have that kind of money.. to spend on a little piece of wall. But then, Elsie posted the how-to. And the "secret" to the wall was revealed.

a LIKE..

knitty, knitty print @ashleyg etsy shop

 If I had a craft room or some kind of sweet little kitchen, I'd have this print hanging in it. But alas.

to FIND..

wire baskets @a beautiful mess

We have floating kitchen cabinets and I've been loathing their floating-ness for quite some time now. The idea of some type of basket or bin was all I'd been able to come up with, but I had no idea what size or kind. And then I saw this picture in a blog post that had very little to do with the baskets and everything to do with painting the insides of your cabinets (which we actually already have, but this blue is way cooler). However, wire baskets.. yes. Yes indeed.

to BUY..

8-drawer dresser @ikea

And, finally.. I've decided this is the bureau I want in my living room. Or something extremely similar. I just wish it came in red.

what we did this week

1. There was FINALLY a day when it wasn't too dark already, raining, snowing, freezing, at least one of us was sick, or there were puddles/snow everywhere.. and I got Lily outside with her scooter (from Christmas).
2. There were cookies. And then there wasn't. I may have eaten some of them.
3. Noah's tent- that Lily claims is hers, but I kinda wish it was mine. When she actually lets him in it.. he loves it. He screams with delight and pounces on the walls. Good choice mommy Santa.
4. It keeps snowing. Barely. I wish for just one decent storm. Just one. At least 5 or 6 inches of perfect snowman snow. And then I'll be ready to move on from his season.
5. My Sorel boots. Love. So perfect. I cannot believe it took me so long to buy them. My feet are actually dry when it rains now. Weird.
6. Love this building. And the filter I used on the picture.
7. So much medicine. And that's just the beginning of it. I'm so sick of being sick. I blame Preschool.
8. Make your judgment trustworthy by trusting it. Clearly fate put that fortune in the cookie that found it's way to our house. It's good advice for me.
9. Purposely fancy looking lunch for picture taking purposes. It was, however, delicious.

These aren't the words you're looking for

[Scene: Lily is spinning around the living room and swinging my hairbrush as she goes.]

Please don't do that. Okay?

[She keeps doing it. And eventually, accidentally, hits me with it.]

Ow. Lily..

(staring at the tv) Mommy.. I wanna watch a kid show.

That is a kid show and I think the words you're looking for are "I'm sorry mommy."

Mommy.. those are not the words I'm looking for.

Only making me stronger

So much is happening. A lot. Too much. Appointments. Internet searching. Sighing. Staring blankly into space and having no ability to stop a head full of heavy thoughts. Trying to rationalize and think that well, it could be worse. Yes, of course, it can (almost always) be worse.

Then there's the fact that Noah is rapidly, rapidly, uncontrollably speeding towards his first birthday. I didn't really want to talk about his 11 month milestone coming. And going. Because time is unstoppable. And oh my effing goodness, Noah, can't you just stop not being a baby for just one second?

He's about as close to walking as one can be- without actually walking around like it's the least big deal in the world. He can stand up from a crouching position without holding on to anything. For a second. Then he crumples back to a crawl. He can stand up on his own for a second or two. Until he realizes what he's doing. And that it's not a baby type thing to do. Then he'll crumple back to a crawl.

He's got.. 6.. almost 6.. teeth. Four on the top, two on the bottom. He "crawls" on his hands and feet (not knees). He can operate a motorized car for gawdssake! When is all this growing up nonsense going to stop?

It's been cold as all freaking heck the last few days, but finally none of us are currently sick. Noah still has a little cough, but we're good other than that. I give it about 3 more days. Then I'm sure someone will come down with something. I'm so tired of it. I blame Preschool.

Which is.. what it is. It's not better or worse, but at the same time.. not quite the same. Some things are less of a battle, other things aren't. Preschool stage may very well do me in. Just when I think I'm starting to figure it out, it changes. I hate defiance.

And a lot of other things that aren't defiance. And have nothing to do with babies not being babies or preschoolers giving me a run for my effing money. But at the same time are unchanging and unavoidable nonetheless.

Yes, I Googled..

I've been Googling a lot lately. Lots of medical stuff last week. And water filter research. Pitcher versus faucet attachment. And brand battles.

Then I was thinking about how much I hate our popcorn ceilings and wondered about how difficult it is to remove. After looking around (aka Googling), it is apparently fairly easy to remove (by just saturating with water (or paint!) and scrapping off). But.. since odds are pretty high ours are full of asbestos- a professional would need to be involved (aka $$ or $$$? and not ¢).

I looked into whatever the lining of the walls around the bathtub are called. Because.. oh my goodness. Jason has described our "set-up" as being in some kind of alien decontamination chamber. I was happy to discover it's not really that much. And that it could actually be some kind of reality in the somewhat near future.

Yesterday I searched for giant rolls of cork. In varying thicknesses and price points. Which sort of led me to investigate how difficult it would be to install a chair rail (although I had already been thinking about that.. and crown molding).

And in the middle of that words that begin with k, because Monday started K week at Lily's school and I had forgotten about it.

This morning I Googled to make sure trash pick up was delayed a day due to the holiday (it was), to see if the post office was open (it wasn't), and The Sims to see there was a kid version (there isn't).

I tried out Google's image search (yes, I watch Catfish) and I'm pretty sure no one is trying to pass off my 3 year old Facebook picture/icon as their own. And then..

..then I Googled types of ice melt (at Jason's request). And magnesium chloride and calcium chloride and eco friendly ice melt and ice melt on concrete and oh my effing goodness! I know more about it that I ever wanted to- which was none.

You shouldn't use ice melt chemical on concrete. Or it shouldn't matter if you have properly concreted concrete. Or it really doesn't have anything to do with the chemical per se, but more the frozen/melting/refreezing process.. speed.. whatever. No two websites said the same thing.

Just use sand. Or get some ice cleats. (And ya, I Googled that. Actually what are shoes with picks called and shoes for climbing poles.. which didn't go where I thought it would. Google with caution.)

what we did this week

1. Flowers.
2. We may not have the fanciest shoes, but we make up for it with our socks.
3. Snow- but not nearly enough.
4. And the World's Best Mom award, goes to.. me apparently. Well, according to Lily anyway.
5. You wouldn't think taking a picture of three sets of feet would be super difficult. But then you wouldn't be considering who two of the three sets of feet belong to.
6. Watercoloring.

A skating on ice we (might) go

I've been looking for activities for Lily. Because.. holy heck, she needs some activities before the walls cannot handle any more bounce-off.

The area we live in is.. mmm.. how do I say this? I don't want to say it's not kid friendly, but heck if I know how to find just one website that has a listing of all things kid intended. Even the calendar on the website of our newspaper is a fail. I'm pretty sure all the local libraries have Story Times for kids, but other than going to every. single. separate. webpage, you're out of luck.

Most places/businesses/whatever that have activities for kids, list their own events: the YMCAs (yes, plural), a few local bookstores, skating rinks, craft stores, etc.. but I don't have time to constantly check back with 50 websites every week to see if there's something new.

So, whatever. One thing I had been thinking about, since she learned to walk, is taking Lily ice skating. But it just hasn't happened yet. Probably because it was such a general idea- not something specific like a class at a set time and place. But then.. I discovered that there is something known as Stroller Skating.

(Let that sink in for a second.)

And while Lily has long outgrown a stroller, Noah certainly hasn't. So, you better believe I want to go! I'm fairly certain Jason thinks I've lost my mind. And honestly, the conversation we had in which I had to explain stroller skating was.. basically, ridiculous.

Just getting to a point where he wasn't picturing a special stroller with ice skates instead of wheels was difficult enough, but then he wanted to know if I was going to buckle Noah in (uh, DUH) and I don't know how many times I had to explain that you just bring your own stroller. You put your child in it, put your skates on, and push the stroller around on the ice.

Here's what we'll be working with: one baby in a stroller; one 4-year old fireball with zero skating experience, patience, or ability not to freak the eff out when presented with a situation in which she might freak the eff out (and you better believe she'll be wearing a helmet); one dad that has possibly never ice skated, ever, in his whole life, but isn't admitting to it; and one mom that has been known to make it around the rink a few times without falling down (or holding on to the wall), but hasn't done that since she was 15, and also now has a slipped disc.

Ya.

Now.. who should I get to take the pictures?

what we did this week

1. Taco night. An actual success- to the extent that I (mostly) didn't care about the 900 dishes it created. Lily had a blast making us tacos and Noah loved eating the little pieces of chicken by himself. AND there was so much leftover that I discovered how awesome taco salads.. and sandwiches(!) are.

2. I saw this print in a store and thought of Lily. The leaves on the tree looked like they were (on the original) clipped from a newspaper. The walls of her room are already a very similar color to the background, so.. could be an idea I'm having here..

3. Christmas 2012 has finally been put away. Lily was an amazing help, taking the ornaments off the tree and getting all the branches from the tree together. Also, I still hate having a fake tree, buuuut.. they do get cleaned up/put away easily, don't they?

Fighting colds, cavities, and magnet machines

Some weeks are slow- this last one hasn't been.

We all got sick again. All of us. First me (with a cough), then Lily (with a runny nose), then Noah (with a baby cough- poor thing), and finally Jason (who has the zombie death plague from Mars. or he is being dramatic). I'm pretty sure, in the last 4 months, the number of days that none of us have been sick.. is about.. I don' t know.. five?

During this round of germs, I also had 4 cavities drilled and filled- 3 new and 1 old one that had broken. I got to take Valium- for the first time in my life. I don't know how much it calmed me down before hand (I guess it did), but I did amuse myself by saying "wheeeeeee" a few times before we left the house. Also, my mind was surprisingly "quiet".. not 8 million mommy/household-running tasks and thoughts in my head- I really just didn't think about anything. It was.. pleasant.

I got laughing gas, although after it was on my face for over an hour, my head hurt so much I felt I was a lot closer to the ceiling than I obviously was. So they turned it off. They also had a lot of trouble getting my mouth numb and I got 4 (5?) shots of Novocaine. Which apparently is a lot. But it's all done now. Hopefully.

I finally saw one of my doctors, after weeks and weeks of cancelled appointments (mostly on their part). She prescribed me some horse pills to take. (Neigh.) I can't help thinking now, how I've become such an old person taking all sorts of pills and I never appreciated enough, when I didn't have to take anything.

Then, just so I'd feel extra decrepit, I went off to my 3rd MRI.

(I told Lily I was going to hang out in a magnet machine. That they were going to find out if I'd been eating magnets. That they were going to find out if she'd been feeding me magnets in my sleep. She insisted that she hasn't been. Hmm- we'll see.)

Here's the thing about having a MRI.. if you have young children and aren't claustrophobic.. it probably will be a pleasant experience. I'm not gonna lie, besides the whole 'obviously I'm not getting better' aspect of it, I enjoy going. A MRI is somewhat serious so the staff is very nice. They explain everything, you get pillows, offered blankets and headphones, etc. Then you lay down in a tube. And really the super loudness of it all is kinda just "white noise." I close my eyes and think about how small I am in comparison to the world.

It freaks me out a little.. and I miss my children. I think about how grateful I am that I can walk into a MRI on my own and that I'm not worse off.

This time I also thought: I wonder if this is what heaven is like. This reminds me of Tron. It's a good thing I'm not claustrophobic. MRI technology is so.. alien. I wonder what protects the people in the other room from this much magnetic.. all day long.. every day? I wonder what kind of music people say they want to listen to through the headphones? I forgot how hot it gets in the tube once the magnets get going. Am I moving? I feel like I'm moving. I wonder how much the techs freak out when they see something really bad during a scan? I wonder what their office Christmas parties must be like.

Etc. I was in there for awhile this time.

Never a misunderstanding

Jason and I are so ONE with each other. There's never a misunderstanding or miscommunications of any kind. Oh wait.. Because things like this happen all the time..

Have you heard of Downton Abbey?

What? No.

No? Oh. I keep hearing..

What is it? (looking at Lily's sandwich)

What? That..? Uh.. toasted bread and cheese, strawberry jelly, and grape jelly.

Where did you get it?

What are you talking about?

Where did it come from?

I made it.

Did you name it that?

What? Wait.. what? Downton Abbey?

Ya.

No. It's a show.

Oh.

Well, whatever. What I was going to tell you was that I keep hearing about it, so I was going to watch it. And it wasn't On Demand, so because of that and Doctor Who.. I got the streaming for Netflix.

Oh, okay.

[Netflix, Downton Abbey, Doctor Who, preschooler created sandwiches.. all totally related.]

what we did this week

1. SNOW. We ended the year with snow. And that was awesome. I love a little snow.. but not the terrible cold it brought with it.
2. My husband makes the best mac & cheese with garlic, spinach, and onion. I could eat it every week.
3. I saw these cute little owl contact lens cases at Target. For $3 I think? Almost made me wish I wore contacts instead of glasses. Almost.
4. I finally finished knitting a hat that I started around Thanksgiving. And it's actually something I can wear- even with my "bump" (as Lily likes to call my hairdo).
5. It only took me forever, but I finally did get my REDcard. For the few months I had it in 2012, I saved over $55 with it. And if you know the percent the card saves you and do the math.. the amount of money I spent at Target in less than 6 months.. a little scary. (and that was WITH coupons)
6. Lily and I decorated mittens on Friday. Well, really, I did it I guess. She had the patience of.. a 4 year old. Which makes sense I guess. She finally colored one of the white ones and then covered it with dinosaur stickers.

Things I did today

A lot of things that I fully anticipated going like absolute shit.. kinda didn't today. And.. I don't really know why. How's that for an intro?

First of all, I prepped myself for a horrible morning with Lily. I even set my alarm 5 minutes earlier (hey, let's not get too crazy here). I got.. oh, I don't know, like 5 hours of sleep.. in little bits and pieces since Noah kept waking up. I suspect that Lily got less than that. Let's not get into why.

I was so tired, this morning. So tired. And all I could really think was, Monday morning was so horrible with getting her to school. Such a fight. We were 90 minutes late. So, my goal for today was to only be an hour or less late (baby steps).

I had no idea what I was doing, but in my unbelievable exhaustion I had to just try something drastically different. I didn't try to wake her up in bed, but instead carefully picked her up, took her into the living room (where the tv was already on), and put her on the couch. Then, like a crazy person, started commenting at all the cool things that were on tv. "Ooo a cow! Oh my goodness that pig is wearing a sweater! Can you believe that Lily?! Wow.. a sheep! What is he doing?? Sandcastles! They're building sandcastles! Have you ever built a sandcastle? Wow! Look at that! No, look. Look! You have to open your eyes to see it!" On and on. Until she did. She turned over, opened her eyes, and actually, eventually.. kept them open.

I tricked her into sitting up, by giving her juice. Although, honestly, if she hadn't agreed to the juice (and later raisin bread) I don't know how I would have gotten her to sit up. And there we were, awake, sitting on the couch, and watching tv. Without any screaming- by anyone.

The whole morning was like that. Tiny, tiny baby steps (and me acting like a super, super happy cheerleader with 3 pots of coffee in her belly.) I dragged some outfits into the living room for her to look at- chattering on and on how proud of myself I was for picking out cool outfits and asking her what she thought of them. She switched some pieces around, requested a different pair of pants.. and then... Got. Dressed. Just like that.

It was exhausting. But not exhausting like fighting with her for 90 minutes. Just exhausting, like I thought I could take on more of the day- which makes no sense.. but there it was. And on top of it all, I got all 3 of us ready and Lily to school.. only 58 minutes late. (I actually still cannot believe it.)

She even, fairly agreeable, switched her shoes to the right feet when we got to school. Her teacher was shocked, telling me she needs to learn my secret with Lily. In my head I was thinking, holy shit lady.. you don't even know.

Theenn.. Noah and I went to Target to buy baby formula and a couple of other things. I didn't look at my list once. Just remembered everything. Just like that. Like.. like, I was a normal person that gets sleep and doesn't have 59 two exhausting children and a list of 903 things to do everyday. I'm pretty sure that's never happened. Not once. In my whole life. (I didn't even realize I forgot something the second I stepped out of the store either.)

We went to the bank. And then home. Noah slept the whole time. I started working on new elements for my blog, secretly cleaned out some of Lily's toy boxes, and ate half my lunch before we had to leave to get Lily from school.

When we got home- it was more of the same. Finished blog stuff, fed people, wrangled people, washed dishes. Even.. [looks around].. took a nap- sssshh!

Having said all that.. I guess I should expect the rest of my life day to be a bunch of complete and utter, horrible nonsense. Right?

Basically.

The first day of the rest of my year

I've had a lot of random thoughts today. And lately. The first one is about Taylor Swift. Or.. actually her guitarist, Grant Mickelson. I watched them performing on New Year's Eve- don't get excited, it was from my couch. As I've noticed before, he has hair (and facial hair) like Russell Brand. Which is fine- if you want to have hair like Russell Brand, have hair like Russell Brand. And he dresses.. like.. I don't know.. a hipster? But.. his outfit choice on New Year's Eve was a whole new.. I don't know.. something. Were those tights? Bright red tights? They sure looked like tights to me.

I told Jason that I can't even look at Taylor Swift when they are showing him too. It's like a car wreck- I don't want to stare, but I can't help it. And I wonder if that's why they don't really show him as much. I don't know. Just saying. He does steal the thunder a little bit, doesn't he?

What else was I thinking about? Redesigning this blog. Renaming this blog. Redesigning myself. Renaming myself? No, I already did that when I got married. The process wasn't fun. The woman at the bank told me.. that's why women get two rings.. for all the nonsense they have to go through just to change their name when they get married. But I'm getting off track.

I had New Year's.. not so much resolutions, but just ideas. Like being healthier. But I just ate half a box of mac & cheese.. so.. so much for that. However, in my defense there was onion, garlic, and spinach in it.

I also had New Year's ideas of being more.. mom-ily. I don't know. Like, planning things to do with my children. Taking them to the library or book store for storytime, finally getting to the Children's Museum, etc. But honestly, I'm afraid. So.. I'm not making that one of my "ideas," I'm afraid it'll be broken before I even get a chance to keep it. Some of my children can be.. difficult. And unreasonably.. defiant? So we'll see.

It might be nice/interesting/awesome if I thought of some type of 365 project, wherein I do a certain thing every single day. But, I have no idea. I don't want to be limited to one picture a day.. or forced to have a picture on a day that I am unbelievably boring. Or blog everyday. Ya, that's funny. And since it's already 7:40 at night.. I'm about to not have a choice in whether or not I'm doing a 365 project. Because.. I won't be.

Happy 2013..